Signs You Haven’t Truly Forgiven (And What to Do About It)

Have You Really Let It Go?

Many people say, "I’ve forgiven them," but deep down, the wound is still raw. It’s easy to claim forgiveness with our words, but true forgiveness is a condition of the heart.

In my book, The Road to Release: A Journey From Unforgiveness to Forgiveness, I explore how forgiveness isn’t just about saying the right things—it’s about emotional and spiritual healing.

But how can you tell if you’ve truly moved on? If certain memories, names, or conversations still stir up anger, resentment, or hurt, there may be unfinished work in your heart.

Forgiveness is a journey, not a one-time event. So, let’s take an honest look inward: Have you truly forgiven, or is resentment still hiding beneath the surface?

1. You Still Feel the Sting When Their Name Comes Up

📖 Ephesians 4:31-32 (KJV) – "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

Think about it: When someone mentions their name in conversation, what happens inside you? Do you tense up? Does your heart sink? Does a wave of bitterness or anger rise to the surface?

These emotional reactions can be subtle but revealing. If their name still brings pain, it’s a sign that the wound hasn’t fully healed. True forgiveness brings peace—not necessarily the absence of memory, but the absence of emotional weight when you remember.

Ask yourself:

🔹 Do I still feel bitterness when I think about them?

🔹 Am I secretly hoping something bad happens to them?

🔹 Do I replay the offense in my mind over and over?

The goal of forgiveness isn’t to erase the past—it’s to release its power over you.

2. You Keep Replaying the Offense in Your Mind

📖 Isaiah 43:18-19 (KJV) – "Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?"

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, but if you’re constantly revisiting what happened—replaying the conversation, imagining different outcomes, or wishing you had responded differently—you’re keeping the wound fresh.

Unforgiveness is like an old movie reel that keeps looping in your mind. Each replay reinforces the pain instead of healing it.

When we hold on to past hurts, we get stuck in what was instead of stepping into what could be. God is calling you forward, but you can’t move ahead if you’re still looking back.

A practical step? Whenever the memory resurfaces, intentionally shift your focus. Try praying:🙏 "God, I release this memory to You. Help me move forward."

Healing happens when we stop feeding the pain.

3. You Avoid the Person at All Costs

📖 Matthew 5:23-24 (KJV) – "Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift."

Avoidance is often a sign of unresolved emotions. If you feel the need to dodge a certain person—whether that means skipping events, changing routes, or pretending not to see them—you might not be as healed as you think.

Now, let’s be clear: Avoidance is different from healthy boundaries. If someone was abusive or toxic, maintaining distance is wise. But if you’re avoiding them solely because the sight of them reopens the wound, it may be time to go deeper in your forgiveness journey.

Ask yourself: Am I avoiding them because it’s wise? Or because I’m still carrying resentment?

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation, but it does mean releasing the power they hold over your emotions.

4. You Talk About the Offense Often

📖 Proverbs 17:9 (KJV) – "He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends."

Venting can be healthy in the short term, but if you find yourself constantly bringing up the offense, it may be a sign that you haven’t truly let it go.

Do you:

🔹 Bring up the offense in casual conversations?

🔹 Feel the need to remind others what they did to you?

🔹 Tell the story over and over, hoping for validation?

Sometimes, we keep retelling the story because we want justice—or at least for others to acknowledge our pain. But true healing comes when we no longer need to broadcast the hurt.

A sign of real forgiveness? When you no longer feel the urge to talk about it. Not because it never happened, but because it no longer controls your heart.

5. You Struggle to Pray for Them

📖 Matthew 5:44 (KJV) – "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."

Let’s be honest—praying for someone who hurt you is hard. It can feel unnatural, even impossible. But one of the clearest signs of true forgiveness is the ability to pray for the person who wronged you.

Why? Because prayer is an act of surrender. When you pray for them, you’re placing them in God’s hands instead of carrying the burden yourself.

If you’re struggling to pray for them, start small:

🙏 "Lord, I surrender this situation to You."

🙏 "God, help me to see them the way You do."

🙏 "Father, take this bitterness from my heart."

At first, your prayers might be short and reluctant—but over time, they’ll become more genuine. And in the process, you’ll find yourself becoming lighter.

The Road to Release: Check Your Heart

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event—it’s a journey. If you still feel pain, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It simply means there’s more healing to do.

💡 This week, take time to reflect:

✔️ Do any of these signs resonate with me?

✔️ What areas of my heart still need healing?

✔️ How can I invite God into this process?

Forgiveness isn’t about letting the other person off the hook—it’s about setting yourself free.

Are you ready to release what’s been holding you back?

Let’s Talk

Have you ever thought you forgave, only to realize you hadn’t? What helped you finally let go? Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

📜 Copyright Disclaimer:

All content in this blog series, including text, images, and any related materials, is the exclusive property of Tressa L. Ruffin and God's Blaze Setter. No part of this content may be copied, reproduced, distributed, or used in any manner without express written permission from the author. For permissions or inquiries, please contact info@godsblazesetter.com.

The Forgiveness Process: Healing One Step at a Time

Introduction: Forgiveness is a Journey, Not a Single Decision

Most people think forgiveness happens in a single moment.

"Just say you forgive them and move on!"

But the truth is, forgiveness is a process—a journey that unfolds step by step, much like healing a deep wound.

In my book, The Road to Release: A Journey From Unforgiveness to Forgiveness, I share how I struggled with forgiveness after experiencing deep betrayal.

You wouldn’t expect a broken bone to heal overnight. So why do we expect deep emotional wounds to heal instantly?

If you’re struggling to forgive, don’t rush it—just take the next step.

A Personal Journey of Forgiveness (Excerpt from The Road to Release: A Journey From Unforgiveness to Forgiveness)

In my book, I open up about one of the most painful seasons of my life—a time when forgiveness felt impossible. Here’s a glimpse into my personal story:

I remember vividly the day my world was turned upside down. My first husband, whom I loved deeply, committed adultery and sinned against God. It was the most hurtful thing I had ever experienced. He left our home for over eight months, during which he was nasty and disrespectful to me. He ignored calls from our children and refused to help with household expenses, despite convincing me to quit my job earlier.It felt as if the core had been ripped out of me, like my very essence had been taken. Those were dark days, filled with loneliness and despair. I felt abandoned, not just by my husband, but by life itself. But even in my darkest moments, God was there, waiting for me to turn to Him.Initially, I didn’t lean on God. I ignored every road sign, every traffic light, and every emergency vehicle sent my way. I tried to navigate the pain and betrayal on my own, but the more I struggled, the deeper I sank into a pit of bitterness.Then, one night, as I sat alone in my room, overwhelmed by the weight of my emotions, I remembered the words of Matthew 11:28-30 (KJV):"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."In my brokenness, I cried out to God, seeking the rest He promised. Slowly, His words began to penetrate my heart, offering a glimmer of hope in the darkness. I realized that the path of forgiveness was not something I could walk alone. I needed God’s strength and guidance.

That night, I took the first step. It wasn’t instant, and it wasn’t easy—but it was the beginning of my healing.

Step One: Acknowledge the Hurt

📖 Psalm 34:18 (KJV) – "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit."

Before healing begins, we must first acknowledge the pain. Many people try to suppress their hurt, pretending it doesn’t exist. But forgiveness starts with honesty.

Ask yourself:🔹 What exactly am I struggling to forgive?🔹 How did this offense affect me?🔹 Have I allowed myself to fully process my emotions?

You can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge.

What Forgiveness Isn’t

Before moving forward, let’s clear up some common misconceptions:

❌ Forgiveness isn’t forgetting. It doesn’t erase what happened, but it releases its power over you.

❌ Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. Some relationships can be restored, but others may need permanent distance.

❌ Forgiveness isn’t weakness. It takes strength to let go and trust God with justice.

Understanding these truths can help you move forward without guilt or confusion.

Step Two: Choose to Release the Offense

📖 Colossians 3:13 (KJV) – "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. If we wait until we feel ready, we may never get there.

When you choose to forgive, you are saying:

✅ I release the need for revenge.

✅ I give this pain over to God.

✅ I will not allow this offense to define me.

Your emotions may not instantly align with your choice—but keep choosing it daily, and healing will follow.

Step Three: Pray for Strength and Perspective

📖 Matthew 5:44 (KJV) – "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."

Praying for those who hurt us feels unnatural, but it’s one of the most powerful steps in forgiveness.

Start small:🙏 "Lord, help me to release this pain."🙏 "Father, soften my heart."🙏 "God, help me see them through Your eyes."

Over time, you’ll notice a change in your heart.

Step Four: Set Boundaries Where Needed

📖 Proverbs 4:23 (KJV) – "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."

Forgiveness does not mean allowing toxic people unlimited access to your life.

✅ You can forgive and still set healthy boundaries.

✅ Some relationships can be restored—others require permanent distance.

✅ Either way, guard your heart as you heal.

Boundaries aren’t revenge—they’re wisdom.

Step Five: Keep Moving Forward

📖 Philippians 3:13-14 (KJV) – "Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. Some days, you’ll feel free—other days, the pain may sneak back in. That’s okay. Forgiveness is a journey.

When old wounds resurface, remind yourself:

✅ I am not back at square one.

✅ This is just another opportunity to reaffirm my choice to forgive.

✅ I will bring this moment of pain to God and trust Him with my healing.

Each time you choose forgiveness, you’re walking in freedom.

💡 Take the Next Step Today

✔️ Write down what step you’re currently on in this process.

✔️ Pray and ask God to reveal the next step for you.

✔️ Drop a comment below: What has helped you in your forgiveness journey? Your testimony could encourage someone else!

🔹 If this post blessed you, share it with someone who needs to hear it today.

📜 Copyright Disclaimer:

All content in this blog series, including text, images, and any related materials, is the exclusive property of Tressa L. Ruffin and God's Blaze Setter. No part of this content may be copied, reproduced, distributed, or used in any manner without express written permission from the author. For permissions or inquiries, please contact info@godsblazesetter.com.

Why Do I Keep Struggling with Forgiveness?

Introduction: When Forgiveness Feels Like a Battle

You thought you forgave them, but then a memory resurfaces. The pain rushes back, and suddenly, you’re angry all over again. Does this mean you haven’t really forgiven?

In The Road to Release: A Journey From Unforgiveness to Forgiveness, I remind readers that forgiveness is not a one-time event—it’s a daily choice. It’s important to recognize that forgiveness is a winding, sometimes unpredictable path. Each day brings new challenges and sometimes old wounds reappear. These moments are not failures but opportunities to deepen your understanding of yourself and to lean more into God’s healing love.

If you keep struggling with forgiveness, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human, experiencing the complexity of emotions that come with deep hurt. The good news? God is walking with you through this process, offering you strength and guidance every step of the way.

1. Struggling to Forgive Doesn’t Mean You Haven’t Forgiven

📖 Lamentations 3:22-23 (KJV) – "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness."

Forgiveness is like peeling an onion—there are layers to it. You might forgive on one level, but as time goes on, deeper layers of pain surface. This process is much like healing from any deep emotional wound; the surface might start to mend, but the deeper layers need attention as well. This ongoing experience of pain doesn’t invalidate your earlier decision to forgive—it simply reflects the reality that healing unfolds gradually.

Each time the hurt resurfaces, instead of thinking, "I must not have forgiven them," try saying:

• "I forgave them before, and I choose to forgive them again today."

  This affirmation reinforces your commitment to forgiveness, reminding you that each moment is a fresh opportunity to let go of old pain.

• "Healing is happening, even if I can’t see it yet."

  Acknowledging that healing is an incremental process can help ease the frustration of not feeling instantly whole.

• "God’s grace covers me as I work through this."

  Invoking God’s grace serves as a reminder that you are not alone in your struggle and that divine help is always available.

Remember, forgiveness is a process, not a single event. It’s okay to revisit the decision to forgive as often as needed, deepening your release of hurt over time.

2. Unforgiveness Can Masquerade as Self-Protection

📖 Proverbs 4:23 (KJV) – "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."

Sometimes, holding onto unforgiveness feels like it’s protecting you. You might think:

• "If I let this go, they might hurt me again."

• "If I forgive, does that mean I have to trust them?"

• "Holding onto this pain reminds me never to let my guard down."

However, these thoughts, while understandable, can trap you in a cycle of fear and resentment. Unforgiveness might seem like a form of self-defense, but in reality, it acts like a barrier that prevents you from experiencing true healing and freedom. Instead of protecting you, it poisons your inner life, keeping you emotionally tied to the person or event that caused the hurt.

It’s important to differentiate between setting healthy boundaries and clinging to past pain as a defense mechanism. Boundaries are about safeguarding your well-being without imprisoning you in the past. Unforgiveness, on the other hand, keeps you locked in a cycle of negativity, giving the offender a continued influence over your emotional state.

3. Your Mind Wants Justice, But God Calls You to Release It

📖 Romans 12:19 (KJV) – "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."

One of the biggest struggles with forgiveness is the desire for justice. You might find yourself thinking:

• "They never even apologized!"

• "They don’t deserve to be forgiven!"

• "They moved on like nothing happened—why should I let it go?"

These thoughts are natural when you’ve been hurt. Your mind seeks to balance the scales and right the wrongs done to you. However, holding on to these ideas of retribution only keeps the wound fresh. Forgiveness isn’t about absolving the other person of their responsibility; it’s about freeing yourself from the chains of resentment.

When you forgive, you’re not condoning what happened. Instead, you are trusting that God, who is just and loving, will address the imbalance. This act of surrender allows you to reclaim your peace and move forward, knowing that the burden of seeking personal justice is lifted from your shoulders.

4. The Enemy Will Try to Pull You Back Into Unforgiveness

📖 2 Corinthians 2:10-11 (KJV) – "To whom ye forgive any thing, I forgive also... Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices."

The enemy is always on the lookout for opportunities to disrupt your healing journey. Bitterness and unforgiveness are powerful tools that can be used to keep you locked in past hurts. When you begin to experience progress, you might notice:

🔹 Old wounds resurfacing unexpectedly.

🔹 Sudden bursts of anger that seem disproportionate to current circumstances.

🔹 Memories manipulated by negative thoughts, keeping you tethered to the past.

These experiences are not signs of failure; they are reminders of the spiritual battle happening within. Recognize these tactics for what they are—attempts to derail your journey toward freedom. Each time you sense unforgiveness creeping in, reaffirm your commitment by saying:

• "I have already forgiven, and I will not reopen this wound."

  This statement helps to reaffirm the decisions you’ve already made and reinforces your resolve.

• "I refuse to let bitterness take root in my heart."

  Such an affirmation is a proactive step in guarding your heart against negativity.

• "Satan, you will not steal my peace."

  Directly addressing the enemy in your thoughts can empower you to reject his influence over your emotions.

Staying vigilant against these influences ensures that your progress in forgiveness is not undone by fleeting moments of vulnerability.

5. Keep Bringing It Back to God

📖 2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV) – "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

Forgiving on your own can feel overwhelming, but you are not expected to shoulder this burden alone. God’s grace and strength are always available, especially in moments of weakness. When you find yourself struggling, return to Him. Allow His love to fill in the gaps where your strength falls short.

If you’re having difficulty releasing the pain, consider this prayer as a gentle reminder of God’s presence:

"Lord, I’m trying, but it’s hard. I don’t want to hold onto this hurt, but it still lingers. Please help me release this pain into Your hands. I trust You with my healing and with justice. Strengthen my heart and help me walk in freedom. In Jesus’ name, Amen."

This prayer is more than just words—it’s an invitation to let God work in the spaces of your heart where hurt resides. By continually bringing your struggles to Him, you remind yourself that His strength is made perfect in your weakness.

Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting what happened—it’s about trusting God with what you cannot manage on your own.

The Road to Release: Keep Moving Forward

If you’re still struggling, don’t beat yourself up. Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. Each step, even those that feel like setbacks, is a part of your overall growth and healing.

💡 Reflection:

• Do I believe that forgiveness is a daily choice?

  Reflect on how embracing forgiveness every day, even in small ways, gradually transforms your heart.

• Am I holding onto unforgiveness out of fear or self-protection?

  Consider whether your reluctance to forgive is rooted in a desire to avoid future pain or to maintain a sense of control.

• Have I fully surrendered this situation to God?

  Examine if you are trusting God with the details of your hurt, allowing Him to bring about the justice and healing that only He can provide.

Forgiveness is ultimately about your healing, your freedom, and your peace. The journey may be long and at times challenging, but every effort you make is a step toward reclaiming your emotional and spiritual well-being.

Let’s Talk

Have you ever had to re-forgive someone you thought you had already forgiven? What insights or practices helped you move forward? Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Your story might just be the encouragement someone else needs to take another step on their path to forgiveness.

Remember, the struggle with forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’re in the process of becoming stronger, more compassionate, and more aligned with God’s grace. Keep pressing forward, and allow His love to lead you every day.

📜 Copyright Disclaimer:

All content in this blog series, including text, images, and any related materials, is the exclusive property of Tressa L. Ruffin and God's Blaze Setter. No part of this content may be copied, reproduced, distributed, or used in any manner without express written permission from the author. For permissions or inquiries, please contact info@godsblazesetter.com.